The strange and sad reality of touch culture in the US

I can distinctly remember the moment as an 11-year-old that holding my friends’ hands started to feel weird and somehow inappropriate.

I didn’t know anything about social conditioning at that time. All I knew is that for some reason, it felt certain that being physically close meant that I was suggesting an inappropriate kind of intimacy.

I look back now and understand the cultural context of my life as an 11-year-old. I had just started sixth grade and middle school. Some of my peers had started being sexual by this time. This is when I started learning from my peers and the larger social landscape the cultural myth that as you emerge from childhood, physical closeness = sexually suggestive behavior. And this myth persists until we reach an older age where society tells us (incorrectly) that we are once again, not a sexual being.

This has several very sad implications. First, unless we have a sexual partner, or in some cases even if we do, we may not receive any sustained, safe-feeling touch. Secondly, if we are craving closeness and touch we may think the only way we can have this is by seeking sexual relationships.

Yet, who are we kidding?

We are wired to connect through touch.

Remove the socialized fear of being sexually suggestive, and what do we get? Simply consider the way we connect with our pets. We cuddle, wrestle, chase, tease, and play. We touch with prolonged tenderness and in ways that both seek to sooth and are soothing.

Can you even imagine touching other people who are not romantic/sexual partners this way? Why not?